What to do if you're attacked by monkeys

Yesterday Slate took on the question of timely question of what to do if you're attacked by a monkey gang.

First off, I'm not really sure what the article considers an attack. Is it just a monkey looking at you cross-eyed? Or is it a monkey actually making a move at you? Hard to tell.

Either way, the main advice is "just give 'em what they want. When monkeys get aggressive, it's usually because they think you have something to eat."

Lousy advice, I think. Isn't giving your goods away just teaching the monkeys to go after more snack-toting people? Is the author possibly on some sort of secret Monkey Food Supply Council? Would she advise us to all keep some potato chips or bananas on hand as monkey mugger money?

And then we're predictably told we can "diffuse the situation": "don't make eye contact or smile with your teeth showing." So nice! I'm learning about monkey ways! But what if I think I can scare them off with some teeth and eye contact?

Somewhat more useful is the advice to carry a stick, avoiding cornering them, and (if all else fails) bopping them on the head. Presumably you can go for a little tooth-baring it things have reached such a pass, but that's not spelled out.

Prevention, I think, would have also been good advice. Keep that water bottle in your bag, and keep and eye on your food. And be careful on those balconies, monkeys or no.